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Log inJoke of the day
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Re: Joke of the day
by Outspoken on Thu Feb 07, 2008 11:10 am
Sick leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "...And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "...And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
Plato (427-347 BC)
Plato (427-347 BC)
Re: Joke of the day
by Outspoken on Tue Feb 26, 2008 4:21 pm
New Seat Belt Law
The national Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.
Correct installation is illustrated below...
I KNOW YOU SMILED. QUIT LAUGHING!!
New Seat Belt Law
Becomes effective June 15, 2008
The national Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.
Correct installation is illustrated below...
I KNOW YOU SMILED. QUIT LAUGHING!!
New Seat Belt Law
Becomes effective June 15, 2008
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
Plato (427-347 BC)
Plato (427-347 BC)
Re: Joke of the day
by Outspoken on Tue Feb 26, 2008 4:34 pm
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
"Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away."
"Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away."
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
Plato (427-347 BC)
Plato (427-347 BC)
Re: Joke of the day
by Outspoken on Tue Feb 26, 2008 4:39 pm
How to weigh yourself...
I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.
I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
Plato (427-347 BC)
Plato (427-347 BC)
Re: Joke of the day
by Outspoken on Fri Feb 29, 2008 9:48 pm
Predicting the Weather
It was already late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should
collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the
coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."
"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Always remember this whenever you get advice from a government official...
It was already late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should
collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the
coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."
"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Always remember this whenever you get advice from a government official...
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
Plato (427-347 BC)
Plato (427-347 BC)
Re: Joke of the day
by Outspoken on Tue Mar 11, 2008 4:14 pm
Man's Best Friend...
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
Plato (427-347 BC)
Plato (427-347 BC)
Re: Joke of the day
by Outspoken on Tue Mar 11, 2008 5:33 pm
WOMAN'S LOVE POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep.
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S LOVE POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh**.
Before I lay me down to sleep.
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S LOVE POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh**.
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
Plato (427-347 BC)
Plato (427-347 BC)
Re: Joke of the day
by Outspoken on Tue Mar 18, 2008 4:59 pm
RETIREMENT PLANNING FOR 2008
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling...REFUND!!!!!! You would have had $214.00.
So, based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling...REFUND!!!!!! You would have had $214.00.
So, based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
Plato (427-347 BC)
Plato (427-347 BC)
Re: Joke of the day
by Outspoken on Fri Apr 18, 2008 8:38 pm
The Brothel Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot...
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little", she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended. But, then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, ''Hi Doug''.
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot...
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little", she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended. But, then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, ''Hi Doug''.
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
Plato (427-347 BC)
Plato (427-347 BC)
Re: Joke of the day
by Outspoken on Sat Jun 07, 2008 11:51 am
Garfield's answer for the "Oil Crisis"...
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in :
~~~
Alaska
~~~
Coastal California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania and
~~~
Texas
~\l/~\l/~
~\l/~\l/~
Our "dipsticks"............are located in DC. Any questions? NO? I didn't think so.
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in :
~~~
Alaska
~~~
Coastal California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania and
~~~
Texas
~\l/~\l/~
~\l/~\l/~
Our "dipsticks"............are located in DC. Any questions? NO? I didn't think so.
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
Plato (427-347 BC)
Plato (427-347 BC)
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