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Log inJoke of the day
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Re: Joke of the day
by Outspoken on Fri Nov 02, 2007 6:42 pm
A Little Q&A...
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
Plato (427-347 BC)
Plato (427-347 BC)
Re: Joke of the day
by Outspoken on Fri Nov 09, 2007 7:17 pm
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?", she asked.
"Hunting Flies", he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?", she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, and 2 Females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, the other 2 were on the phone."
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?", she asked.
"Hunting Flies", he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?", she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, and 2 Females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, the other 2 were on the phone."
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
Plato (427-347 BC)
Plato (427-347 BC)
Re: Joke of the day
by Outspoken on Fri Nov 09, 2007 7:25 pm
Ahhh...Wintertime
One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Ohio were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electricity went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Ohio were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electricity went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
Plato (427-347 BC)
Plato (427-347 BC)
Re: Joke of the day
by Outspoken on Mon Nov 19, 2007 8:45 am
Tickle me where??
There is a factory in Kansas which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
There is a factory in Kansas which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
Plato (427-347 BC)
Plato (427-347 BC)
Re: Joke of the day
by Outspoken on Mon Nov 19, 2007 7:49 pm
Doctor's Ooops
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs...........and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" I asked.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion, she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years.............when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN, no name
AND FINALLY!!!............
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' "
Doctor wouldn't submit his name??(Can't blame him!)
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs...........and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" I asked.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion, she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years.............when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN, no name
AND FINALLY!!!............
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' "
Doctor wouldn't submit his name??(Can't blame him!)
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
Plato (427-347 BC)
Plato (427-347 BC)
Re: Joke of the day
by Outspoken on Tue Dec 04, 2007 9:32 am
Weeweechu...
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!!
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!!
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
Plato (427-347 BC)
Plato (427-347 BC)
Re: Joke of the day
by Outspoken on Wed Dec 05, 2007 8:45 am
Christmas carols for the psychologically challenged...
1) Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?
2) Amnesia: I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas
3) Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels Sing...About Me
4) Manic: Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And...........
5) Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Queens Disoriented Are
6) Paranoid: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us
7) Borderline Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, You Better Not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll Not Tell You Why
8 ) Full Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire
9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
10) Agoraphobia: I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
11) Senile Dementia: Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers and Robe
12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
13) Social Anxiety Disorder: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
14) Attention Deficit Disorder: We Wish You......Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!
1) Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?
2) Amnesia: I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas
3) Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels Sing...About Me
4) Manic: Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And...........
5) Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Queens Disoriented Are
6) Paranoid: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us
7) Borderline Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, You Better Not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll Not Tell You Why
8 ) Full Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire
9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
10) Agoraphobia: I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
11) Senile Dementia: Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers and Robe
12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
13) Social Anxiety Disorder: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
14) Attention Deficit Disorder: We Wish You......Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
Plato (427-347 BC)
Plato (427-347 BC)
Re: Joke of the day
by Outspoken on Wed Dec 05, 2007 9:01 am
Mystery Meat...
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
“Well”, he said, "it’s what mommy calls me sometimes.”
The little girl screams to her brother, “Don’t eat it, it’s an a$$hole!!!”
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
“Well”, he said, "it’s what mommy calls me sometimes.”
The little girl screams to her brother, “Don’t eat it, it’s an a$$hole!!!”
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
Plato (427-347 BC)
Plato (427-347 BC)
Re: Joke of the day
by Outspoken on Fri Dec 28, 2007 3:15 pm
25 Years:
When I had been married for 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10" black and white TV. But I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now we have a nice house, nice car, a big king sized bed, and a plasma screen TV. But I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side to things."
My wife is a very resonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make absolutely sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10" black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your problems in a hurry.
When I had been married for 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10" black and white TV. But I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now we have a nice house, nice car, a big king sized bed, and a plasma screen TV. But I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side to things."
My wife is a very resonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make absolutely sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10" black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your problems in a hurry.
"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything."
Plato (427-347 BC)
Plato (427-347 BC)
Re: Joke of the day
by Minx on Sat Dec 29, 2007 9:50 pm
Ok, Bob, now can you find us an emoticon that gives a good kick in the ass?
It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.
Epictetus
Epictetus
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