Joke of the day

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."


The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."


The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.


The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"


The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,
So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.

One fine day, in the middle of the night,
two, dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe my lies are true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too!

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in well last week."

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman.
She takes one look at him. “You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

Tony was a pianist and was practicing late one night. There was a tap on the door, when he opened it his landlord was standing outside the door. He asked; “do you know there is a sick lady upstairs?"
Tony answered, “no, I haven’t heard that song. Can you please hum it a little?"

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning!

So, there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. You know how you just get so-o-o stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it. He was a DWARF!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

. . . and that's when the fight started .

If men vacuumed...

He Said/She Said

He said..."I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it."
She said..."You wear pants don't you?"



He said..."Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa."



He said..."What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said..."Turn sideways and look in the mirror!"

The Writing's On the Wall...

On a wall in a ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere"

Written just below it: "I do not"