Famous "one-liners"...

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

Groucho Marx

"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back."

Zsa Zsa Gabor

"My wife had a speech impediment. She would occasionally stop to breathe."

Jimmy Durante
"Good Night, Mrs. Calabash--wherever you are!"

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."

Elaine Boosler

"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and would only play with each other."
Rita Rudner

"Darling, the legs aren't so beautiful, I just know what to do with them."

Marlene Dietrich

"Lucy always relied on slapstick, pratfalls, and physical comedy to make people laugh; and that was just on her honeymoon."

Milton Berle (On Dean Martin Roast of Lucille Ball)

"Hey. If you can find a better joke, buy it"

Milton Berle

"I consider myself very fortunate. I owe everything to my family and my make-up man. My wonderful family keeps me going and my wonderful make-up man keeps me from looking like I already went."

Bob Hope

"Now....Rochester!"

Jack Benny