Famous "one-liners"...

"I can't do the Garbo or Dietrich thing."
Norma Shearer

"Between them, my parents had 10 marriages."
Lorna Luft

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
Groucho Marx

"What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin."
Dave Attell

"It's true that I did get the girl, but then my grandfather always said, 'Even a blind chicken finds a few grains of corn now and then.' "
Lyle Lovett
upon marrying actress Julia Roberts, 1994

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
Dave Barry

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
Lynda Montgomery

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

Author Unknown

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
Paula Poundstone

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson